Someone told me that love, true love, comes from the cuts you give yourself. And for the longest time I thought that was true. I thought it was the only way to feel free. I thought only I, and I alone can show myself the love I've always wanted.
I really did think that… Until I met Ludwig…
3/23/2008 Mood: Thankful
Driving to the store, I tried to block the people I loved from my mind. It makes it easier to hurt myself, not only that but pleasurable thinking no one would care. I stopped at a stoplight, being the only one on that strip, I thought about driving off the road. When the light turned green my thoughts changed and I reached the convenience store.
While in there; I went straight to the alcohol and wine. I was there for a while before grabbing a case of Bacardi, Red Wine, and E. Guigal Cotes Du Rhone. Gladly, I didn't need an ID nor did I have to pay for any of it. A friend of mine, Kenneth, works there and payed for me.
"Yo, Feli. I didn't know they let you out already."
"Y-yeah, I was going to call you but I haven't got around to it yet." I sat the alcohol on the counter and smiles.
"Heh, you're drinking this much and not inviting me?"
"Shut up, only one's mine. The other two are for Antonio and Lovino."
"Whatever dude, I wouldn't be able to get off anyway." He rings me up and hands me my bags. As I stood here, I felt my smile start to weaken. Kenneth was one of my favorite friends... I couldn't let him see me like this... Not again..
I got back in the car, started it, and pulled off. I drove down the road, opening a bottle and started drinking it. I don't drink and drive but I had a lot of shit in my head that I needed to drown out.
Again, at the same stop light I was at earlier when I was thinking about going off the side.After the light turned green I started to edge my car over to the side of the road. I got a little faster, that way I would fly straight through the window. Still drinking, I was almost off the road when another car flew through with its high beams on. Swerving back in my lane, I stopped my car. I looked down, scared out of my mind, and shaking.
"I… I could have…"
Soon, I pulled myself together. I placed my hands back on the wheel and drove home without drinking anything. When I got back Lovino and Antonio were both together on the sofa sleep. They looked so cute, so peaceful.
I smiled and made my way up to my room. Closing and locking the door behind me, I let out a hard sigh. Before I cough sit down in my corner that I missed so much, my phone rang.
"Feli, it's me."
"Who's Is 'me'?" I giggled, and leaned against the wall. Luddy's voice was soothing for some reason. Plus, I just sounded like I was flirting.
"Cute, you know it's me. Anyway, I want to know if you can come over. Me bruder's not here so I'm kind of alone here." It made me smile hearing that he asked me over. I sighed a bit, sitting on my bed.
"… Will you pick me up? I can't take Tonio's car, he'd freak if he woke up and find that I'm and the car is gone."
"Yeah, I'll be there soon." He chuckled hung up after that. Soon, I got back in the corner of my room and sat there. Thinking about nothing. It had to have been something but I could never remember my thoughts I that corner.
Waiting for Luddy, I sat there drinking one of the bottles of alcohol. I picked up my pills that was lying on the floor and cried. "Do I really want to…?" I asked myself. It took a while but I opened the top and slipped seven into my hand. I just looked at them and smiled.
I know this wouldn't do anything but if anyone came in they would see how far I'll try to go. Maybe I want to end it but I'll need better pills and a lot of it.
"God, I want to. They wouldn't care. That whole act of missing me was bullshit! They were glad I was gone…"
I started crying even more, rocking back and forth. I then finished the bottle I had and opened the other one. Putting the pills in my mouth, the bottle was close to it.
"Hey! That Potato-Bastard is down here to see you."
"HMK-!" Lovino knocked on my door making me choke a little. I got up and hid everything under the bed.
"O-okay... Okay, I'm coming.." Sighing, I opened the door.
"Hey... Are you leaving with him?" He mumbled to me, looking me straight in the eye.
"... Yeah.. Yes, I am." I smiled and walked down the stairs.
"What time are you getting back?" Lovi asked as he followed.
"… Later…" With that we walked getting into Ludwig's car. After pulling out of the driveway I sighed and slumped in my seat.
"Is something wrong?" He asked, looking down at me.
"No, I'm just happy to get out and be with you." We both smiled at each other and he drove off.
"…. Hey Feli…"
"… I'm sorry... About everything… I really want you to forgive me and be with me again…"
I smiled, kissing his cheek, "I know. I love you." He then pulled over to the side of the rode. I was worried, maybe I said it too soon or something was wrong with the Ludwig then looked at me and leaned in closer.
"W-what are you doing? Is something wrong…?"
He got closer and closer until his lips met mine. My body jumped, it was like I didn't know what was going on for a minute. I soon fell deeper in his kisses and lost most of my control. He put one hand on my chest, sliding his finger down my shirt.
Ludwig then undid the buttons on my shirt, wrapped his hand around to my back and pulled me in closer. I moaned in his mouth, my body loving at second he's touching me.
"W-wait… L-Luddy-nnnn…" He slowly parted from me, though, still close to my mouth.
"We… I don't want to do it in a car. We should wait 'til we get home."
"I can't wait. I've wanted you since you left my house."
I pouted a little, fixing my shirt. "Fine," I said. "You drive and I'll pleasure you..." I said with a small smile. I unzipped his pants, taking out his member. Leaning down and started licking it. I can hear his moans, so low but very loud. It sent shivers down my spine.
Luddy gripped my hair a little as I went deeper. The taste was so sweet, I didn't want to stop. He did come once in my mouth a little. I pulled up, not opening my mouth.
Slowing down the car, he looked at me. "Uh! I-I'm sorry. I should have something in here you can spit it out in."
"… No-no need." I smiled a little. He looked at me weird as if I shouldn't have swallowed it.
"YOU SWALLOWED IT!?"
"Y-yeah… It's just cum." I giggled and shrugged. He sighed and kept his eyes on the road. What was that about? Why the hell did he have a problem with that?
We pulled up at the house. It looked so dark inside, too dark really. It just looks like he hasn't been here in forever! Germany got out first and opened my door. I smiled softly at him and got out.
When I got up and was instantly swept off my feet. Literally, Ludwig picked me up bridal style and kissed me. My face was so red by then and he laughed at the fact, making me blush even more.
Luddy then carried me in and up to his room, laying me on the bed. I looked up at him and smiled, holding my arms out. He chuckled again and leaned down to kiss me. Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed him deeper. He then pulled back slowly.
"… I miss this… Doing this…"
"I do too. I missed you, Luddy…" I smiled, kissing him again. Starting from where we left off, he opened my shirt; sliding his hand along my chest. Ludwig's hands… They're so warm it made my body melt inside.
I felt his tongue slipped out and in my mouth. Playing back, it seemed like he was losing his control; as was I. Ludwig moved back, sliding his tongue down my nick to my chest then finally my abdomen.
Smiling, I tilted my head back as far as I could; letting him take me as he pleased. Using his mouth, he unzipped my pants and pulled them down enough to see the bulge. He smiled, licking it through the boxers. I moaned, loving every inch his tongue was covering.
"I've been waiting for this since you left. All I wanted to do is love you. So now that you're here I'm losing all of my control. You're so beautiful, Feliciano." I blushed, feeling a little confused inside. I set up and looked down, thinking about what he said. He then leaned up as well.
"Beautiful…? After everything you still think I'm beautiful…?"
Ludwig smiled then kissed me. "I don't care what you've done; I'll still and always will love you."
I could almost feel myself crying. I laid back, wanting nothing more but him and him only. He smiled then slowly pulled my boxers down, he bended down and kissed the head of my member. I let out soft moans as he started to lick it.
He then leaned up again, holding open my legs and smiling down at me. Having both hands on my waistline. His hands were warm, almost hot even. I couldn't believe a slight touch like his could drive me crazy.
"… What… What is this?" Germany asked, gliding his fingers across my legs. I felt a shame; I didn't want to look at him or him to look at me anymore. I leaned my head off to the side and covered my face. I could hear the bass in his voice.
"It's... It's my cuts..." I smiled, trying to laugh it off. "No one ever thinks to look at my legs..."
"F-Feli… Why? They're so known. When did you do this?"
"... Before I left the hospital… I-I'm sorry…" I finally started to cry. I just broke down, lying on the bed. I kept my face covered so he couldn't see. "I… I did it because I was… I was so scared…"
"Scared?" He put his hand over mine. "Why would you be scared? You were coming home." Home… That's the point…If you only knew...
I set up with a glare. The tears were gone and I was looking straight at him. Ludwig didn't feel threaten, though I wasn't trying, he leaned in and kissed me. 'Shit!' I lost most of my confidence. I started to blush and it just threw me right off!
He then kissed my neck onto my shoulder. Letting out moans, I held on tight to his shirt. He leaned up a little to meet my face. "Tell me, do you like pain?"
"Dose pain pleasures you? Do you get hot whenever you feel pain?"
"W-why would I?"
"… I've bit you more than once and all you did was moan and held onto me tighter. Is that what you're into now?. Pain. I would have thought nothing different. I can see if you got hard after cutting yourself." He smiled and sent kisses down my stomach, but I pushed him off. How could he say all that he just keep going?
I ran into the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror. I just stood there, looking at myself, and mumbling horrible things to myself. This always happens. Since I was young I would do this whenever I look at my reflection. But it's gotten worse with time. I never really thought I was worth anything.
I just kept on talking, calling myself names and putting myself down. I finally snapped and punched the mirror. The pain didn't hit my hand until I looked down. The blood was everywhere, the skink; the floor; even the mirror itself.
I got on my knees screaming, holding my hand. "SHIT! …FUCK! Nnnn… God… Fuck…"
"Feli!? Are you- …W-what happened…?" Ludwig came in as soon as he heard the shatters of the glass. He bends down to me but I moved away. I didn't want him near me…
"G-go away! I just want to be alone!"
"… I'm not leaving you here, not alone. Give me your hand-"
"NO!" I shouted. I didn't want his or anyone's help. I moved back more as far as I could from him. The glare he's giving me was scaring me in more ways the one. Though, I didn't want to give in.
"Feliciano… Your hand…"
I jumped, still holding on my hand. "N-no! Just l-leave…!" Ludwig sighed and moved closer to me. I'm up against the wall scared as he kneed down to me.
"Give you hand so I can fix it. Or I'll take it myself." His face was scary but not like last time. I smiled a little, still letting it bleed.
"Try me…" With that he sighed and grabbed my hand. Ludwig's strong but I still fought back. While struggling, my cuts opened a little more having more blood flow out of it. He finally got me pinned down. My hand didn't hurt anymore so I ended up laughing.
"Really, Feli? We didn't have to do such a thing." He sighs whiling cleaning my hand. "Okay, I'm getting the glass out. Hold still."
While doing so, my hand begin to twitch a little and it started to hurt again. Soon, my scream had turn into moan without me knowing. Ludwig looked up at me as he got the last peace out. He sighed and got a cloth to clean my hand.
He then wrapped it so it would keep bleeding or get infected or other shit like that.
"Come on. We're going to bed."
"Um... I really think think I should do home..." He looked at me; his face had a sad mood on it.
"Please? I don't want to be alone in here…"
I nodded. "Okay, I'll stay tonight." I kissed him and smiled. "Only because I don't feel like going home." I grinned and walked closely behind him.
He smiled at me and kissed me back. We walked back to his room and got in bed. I loved this feeling. I missed this feeling. The feeling of Luddy holding me while sleeping together, the feeling of his room at night, and the feeling of looking at him in his sleep. He's so cute when he sleeps.
It makes me sad to think I would have to go home in the morning. I don't' really want to leave. I looked at my hand again then hugged him, falling asleep soundly.